A suffusion of yellow

So if there is a God, I think that maybe He doesn’t want me to go to Peru. I’ve learnt some important lessons along the way though:

  1. Don’t imagine that just because you’ve been having an incredibly shit time that you deserve a holiday. The universe will soon disabuse you of this idea.
  2. Don’t lose your passport
  3. If it’s lost, don’t try and then get an emergency passport
  4. If you try getting the emergency passport, don’t forget to ring up before hand to ask what you need so you don’t have to spend ages queueing at the police station in the city before they tell you that you need to report it at your local police station
  5. Once reported at the local police station, don’t forget to get an affidavit
  6. If you forget the affidavit and return to the consulate and realise you only have 45 minutes to try and get another affidavit, then don’t go to the nearest police station and spend ages queuing assuming you can get an affidavit there
  7. Don’t bother with tears and trying to elicit sympathy from the major general in charge when the police officers refuse to give you one
  8. Don’t try phoning your parents and asking them to get an affidavit for you on your behalf at your local police station even if people at the consulate tell you it’s possible.
  9. If you somehow manage to get back to your local police station a 40 minute drive away in time to get the affidavit from there, make sure you know for sure what time the consulate closes
  10. Once you’ve got your emergency travel passport, and somehow managed to catch your plane despite the insane traffic, don’t get the circle line from Paddington because it will terminate on a platform which will mean you have to drag your suitcase up 3 flights of stairs in order to get out.
  11. Don’t bother trying to catch your flight via the USA the next day, they won’t let you on without a visa if you have an emergency passport
  12. BUT everyone in the airport will helpfully tell you to change your flight and go via amsterdam the next day instead. When you ring up your travel agent and find it costs over £300, don’t be silly enough to agree to the change.
  13. If you did agree to the change, make sure that your taxi at 3am the next day knows absolutely and exactly where your flat is.
  14. Do not exit the flat and stand in the freezing cold carrying your heavy bags up and down Goswell road for the next 40 minutes trying to find the taxi.
  15. Close your eyes when the taxi driver pulls insane moves, jumps red lights and goes down 20mph roads at 70mph. Otherwise you will arrive at Heathrow so high and jittery on adrenaline you will find it difficult to walk for the next few minutes.
  16. Once you’re at the airport, don’t bother trying to cry and pull the sympathy card when the airline doesn’t let you board because your emergency travel passport says you were supposed to land in Peru yesterday. Don’t bother pointing out that 5 different airline and immigration officials studied it yesterday and all told you to change your flight the way you had.
  17. Don’t bother ringing lastminute again for the next few days, they will have had a computer system failure. And then it will be the bank holiday weekend. And then KLM’s ticket system will not be open.
  18. Best not to investigate idly out of interest whether you could have travelled on your other dual national passport. You’ll find out that you could have after all and then you’ll be kicking yourself – self recrimination is not what you need right now.
  19. Don’t assume TFL’s trick of forcing you to drag your suitcase up 3 flights of stairs was a once off. Oh and don’t imagine any of those charming young english gentlemen pushing past you impatiently will bother offering to help you either.
  20. When you sleep round at someone’s house, don’t assume they won’t chuck you out of your bed at 4am so they can party with strippers and cocaine
  21. Don’t be surprised when their crazy ex girlfriend comes round and you get caught in the middle of a huge fight
  22. Don’t raise your hopes and think you might actually be able to fly after all and escape this miserable city. Of course KLM won’t agree to change the tickets twice, you idiot.
  23. When they say you will get a refund don’t imagine it will be anything close to the £1200 you’ve forked out, and don’t feel like you’ve been stabbed when they offer you £150.
  24. Try not to think about how long it took you to save up that money, and how unlikely it is the travel insurance will pay up.
  25. Don’t attempt to cheer yourself up/distract yourself by looking at facebook. Your ex will have posted pictures of himself cuddling his new girlfriend and you’ll end up exactly where you were 3 weeks ago when he dumped you.
  26. Don’t imagine you will learn whether you can change your flight back home to leave earlier so you don’t have to stay in a stupid horrible grey cold rainy city you hate. You’ll have to wait 24 hours. And then you’ll have to pay for a seat upgrade, say goodbye to another £500 probably. Well, I guess we’ll see. The saga is ongoing!

2 thoughts on “A suffusion of yellow

  1. rukaya Post author

    Hey Dom, how’re you? Hehe thanks for the sympathy, I was feeling particularly sorry for myself last night when I wrote it, but things don’t seem as bad today 🙂


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