It took me about 3 hours to realise that I was trying to embed a view in the same view’s template page, and of course this causes an infinite loop! If you need to conditionally attach a view to another view (so creating a separate view attachment display and attaching it using the views interface to your main page/block view is not an option) then remember to rename your template file so it specifically affects the first view, not the attachment as well!
That is all.
I’ve just given up on getting parcels from the UK to South Africa. If anybody reading this ever plans on doing it: just don’t bother. It’ll get stolen or ‘lost’ at customs and it’s a complete waste of money.